Where in the world have I been?

To answer the main question, yes, I am still alive.

I know that I have left this website quite bare of content for the longest time but I was busy trying to sort out some personal matters and at present things seem to be the bare minimum of fine and that will have to do for now.

In the time that I have been on a break, I've managed to accumulate a few more people (I believe you'd call them friends) into my life and it has been quite an interesting journey. It's given me the opportunity to rediscover some things about myself and help me relearn what it's like to be surrounded by close companions and make memories I will look back on and smile or laugh at.

This past August has marked four years since I moved to Australia, leaving behind a lot of close family and friends. I do miss them more than I can express in words and wish I was only a thirty minute drive away but this experience and time away from home is a time of learning and focus. Last October I got a new job in retail because my radio job wasn't giving me many shifts and I was basically living off of my savings just like all those who were heavily impacted by this damn pandemic.

I hadn't worked a customer service job in about four years so it was safe to say that I was feeling a little nervous. I don't consider myself as a very outgoing person or someone who would initiate a conversation, so this made me even more motivated to make the effort to change that. Then the other thing I had to tackle was socializing with my team mates. Again, not someone to initiate conversation. It took a while for me to feel comfortable around other team members but there was one person who struck up a conversation with me and it all started because of my My Hero Academia water bottle. He, too, was a major weeb (anime lover/enthusiast) and this was the beginning of a strong (and albeit dramatic) friendship. After making that first friend, I felt more at ease to talk to my new colleagues and not at all like the usual odd one out.

Making friends as an adult is hard. Especially if you're in your late 20s like me. Because we've already been through so much, experienced the best and worst of it all that we barely or don't have the time for that whole pleasantry dance. We go off of vibes these days. For me, if meeting someone doesn't feel right in my gut, I do my best to steer clear and save myself the grief of finding out later down the line that that person was not genuine in anyway whatsoever.

I now have an amazing group of friends because of this retail job and have currently made a handful of funny memories but I have to say that sometimes when i am spending time with them I am heavily reminded of my age. My new friends are between the ages of 19 and 23. I am 29. In most people's opinion, 29 is still young but when I'm with my friends, I feel old as hell! I make references that most of them do not understand but I'm thankful that at least one of them does. But when I make these references, it just reminds me that I have lived a whole lifetime or period before them. How crazy is that?!

I'm the Mother of the group. That's the position and title I have given myself because I'm the one always organizing stuff (with the help of the second mother of the group - bless her). And when we're all in the group chat, these kids make my anxiety hit the roof. I was raised in a different time and in an entirely different culture so my approach to decision making in any regard is always on the side of caution with a backup plan in mind. Whereas this bunch have the mindset of "it'll be alright". Believe me, when my anxiety is prodded in this way, it triggers the nausea. So it really is an adventure with this bunch, I can tell you that much. But I truly adore them nonetheless.

Having experienced this, it has completely solidified by decision to not have children. I know that I will not be able to cope with that much responsibility or stress. I can barely keep myself afloat sometimes or even keep track of my self care to make sure I'm tracking well with life let alone taking care of a tiny human. And if you're a mother or mother-to-be reading this thinking 'oh but you don't know what you're missing' or 'children are such a blessing', please save your comments. I helped raise my younger siblings at a young age. That was more than enough for me.

I'm not making any promises but I'm going to try my best to post more. Life is speeding by everyday and I believe it's important to share experiences with others to let them know that they are not alone in what they are going through. Because it can be physically painful to feel alone.

Take care till then x

Photo Credit: Ryssa Fiu